Right now im sitting at a principle of public law class really bored.
In some kind of deep melancholy it seems.
I have some sort of depression and the only times i'm lifted from the pit is when i'm with alice.
I know its annoying when people post "DNM, omg im so sad and depressed pity me!" blogs.
but its hard to avoid that when you're in a 20/7 melancholy.
things have been stuffing up in life (aside from my relationship with alice which is perfect; mwah pho).
its harder especially when its stuffed because of your personality and is your fault.
with little real friends, you grieve for friends lost in the past and present.
i've always thirsted for just one friend who will always have my back as they say. a friend who is my best friend (aside from alice) and to whom i am one too. the sort of taking bullets for each other sort of bro-ship. LOL. but in the last couple of years that seems to have eluded me. i chase it with fervor but its always out of my grasp. friends always have closer and better friends, and my abrasive personality probably unhinges alot of people who get close to me. i sometimes sit and wonder why alice is in love with me. whats so good here that she can't find elsewhere?
some people are like "look at the brighter side of life". but in all cases they have a source from which their 'enlightened' perspectives on life springs. A doting mother perhaps. An unbreakable bond with someone in their life that have been tried and strained but never broken. But always i am faced with the possibility that people around me will go away someday. and thus this source of confidence and rock-steady perception is not a capacity of which i can achieve.
i gess as time goes by, my faith in my relationship with alice strengthens. every minute spent with her makes the possibility that the pacificism and apathy towards social tensions in my life may be attainable. and that perhaps sometime soon she can be MY rock in life. be MY source and well of confidence.
i feel really lonely sometimes.
i still yearn for the comraderie i experienced back in year 10 and year 11. i still keep most of the friends i have then, but i am neither their best friend or someone they would meet up with and hang out more than once a week. maybe its cuz i havn't called them up. but then thats because i assume they have better people to hang out with. Alice makes fun of how we used to hang out in "big groups" and be "hard". but it is those moments to which i cling onto so desperately, and reminds me of the non-gay non-fag love that one can encompass for a friend.
It seems like every person ive met after those times have been a "side-order". Someone i'm friends with still but seem impossible to reach the same comraderie(?spelling) i had with the old 'group'. People have drifted, people found girls, squabbles between old friends.
I think a big problem of mine is that i am inconsiderate. i do to friends as i wouldn't mind them do to me. but i forget that they mite not do the same to me and mind that i do something to them. if u noe wha ti mean. which u probably dont.
uni fucking sucks too.
so behind.
this entry is more for my personal reflection than for your enjoyment. self-possessive narcissm prevails.
wish i could lift my mood somehow.
wheres alice?  | 
